Whoever Invented the Vajazzle can go Scrajazzle Themselves up the Wajazzle.Posted: 15 November 2011
MEN! MEN! MEN!
Are your balls looking disappointingly ordinary? Is your scrotum mundane? Need to add some sparkle back into your morning glory? Add some dazzle to your dongle? Some jazz to your John Thomas?
Now you can with a PEJAZZLE. Its the latest thing in fun sexy body art, available at all the best spas.
Your favourite celebrities love it :
Johnny Wilkinson- ‘my team mates were so jealous when I showed them how amazing my Pejazzle looked’
Rio Ferdinand ‘I was able to choose just the right colours to compliment my skin tone’
Jeremy Clarkson- ‘I was really impressed with the intricate beadwork they did, especially in those hard to reach areas’
Sir Alan Sugar- ‘I think my Pejazzle makes me look younger- my wife says it’s knocked 10 years off my penis’
Peter Stringfellow- ‘Nothing surprises the ladies like a Pejazzle under a quality thong’
I was writing this little ridicule piece when I discovered [thanks to Sensei Google] that pejazzles are real…
It might seem like Pejazzles represent an equality in male/female body adornment. Its not about gender its about glitter…
But as you can see from the article, Pejazzling is intended to be super masculine in its cock worship [which is the only way Pejazzling can be justified]- ‘treat your penis like a star’ ‘adorn your manhood with diamonds’ ‘make it glitter and shine like a Twilight Vampire standing out in the sun’ [wow wtf?]. Pejazzles are supposed to exaggerate masculine traits of cock pride and sexual assertiveness which are seen as dominating and good, and Vajazzles exaggerate feminine traits which have a low value i.e. vanity, flirtaciousness- being sexually teasing, cute girlishness. Men who object to Pejazzles do so not because shaving and decorating your genitals is weird, but because they see it as too close to Vajazzling, as connecting them with the class of people who exist for the sexual entertainment of men- The Fuckables:
”Now it might be ok for girls– they shave, wax and remove hair from all over their bodies, so why not add a touch of sparkle. I can live with that. But when it comes to adorning your tackle, I have to stop you right there… most of us are hairy down there… They could be great for a hen-do and might be a great way to spice up your sex life. But for men, it could be just one step too far”
If sparkly genitals can be gendered masculine-sparkly-genitals or feminine-sparkly-genitals and then made into a patriarchy-sparkly-genital-hierarchy then literally anything can. [As a side note- is this a harbinger of the apocalypse?]
Vajazzling is meant to convey a coquettish, girlish, almost twee level of cutesy. Prepubescent hairlessness is required. Dominant design themes seem to be hearts, butterflies, red lips, stars- and anything else that can be found on clothes for 8-12 year old girls [including the playboy bunny]. More elaborate designs aim to disguise the vulva with decoration and give a smooth-as-Barbie/bacon-trimmed-as-a-porn-star/DIY Vegas Showgirl look.
The sexual aggressiveness of showing off the genital area and the prepubescent girlishness of the chosen designs/colours/hairlessness is an uncomfortable clash. Needless to say the level of tautness of stomach and low slung-ness of jeans required to hint at a Vajazzle means it’s only really acceptable for some kinds of women to have. HAWT thin women [but that’s ok, the other kinds don’t matter]. And the aim of course is to have it seen by men, either by ‘sexy accident’… ooops reaching up/bending down… or by showing it off as proof of sexual liberalness.
Of the sexes, only women actually get this kind of body art done in any numbers. I can see some men in the gay community Pejazzling for a laugh, but if a single straight man gets a Pejazzle because he thinks it looks attractive or fun ill eat a bucket of self adhesive crystals. And there is the obvious downside for our man pictured with the article of not actually being able to do anything sexual with a heavily Pejazzled penis, no matter how attractive it makes your penis look. Ouch.
In fact the man featured on this website looks like he’s just made sweet love to a mirror ball, or slipped in a craft shop and accidentally rolled first into PVA glue and then the aisle marked ‘make your own mosaic’.
Vajazzles are the latest sexxxiest thing in a long line of False Life Enablers for women. The daddy of them all is the Extreme Makeover: catch-all solution of Chick Flicks since the beginning of time. Lets not forget: thongs and tongue piercings in the 90’s, ‘power heels’ and shoulder pads in the 80’s, Bikini’s in the 50’s, make-up and cigarettes in the 20’s- made for ‘The New Woman’ of every era to take control of her life/career/body/sexuality with. They give the illusion of empowerment without any change whatsoever in the power dynamics in society at large, and they distract you from thinking about who it is that has control of your life/career/body/sexuality and why.
They mean you spend time money, and labour in pursuit of a fascist beauty ideal. The Beautifying/feminising/sexxxualising of yourself genders you even more female and compounds the patriarchal oppression you were trying to escape by buying that empowering thong in the first place.
Imagine if, instead of a focus on the exterior of female genitals- i.e from the male point of view [and thus a focus on prepubescent hairlessness, infantilising Vajazzle/underwear designs, and the ‘minimising’ of the vulva to match smooth characterless porn vulvae] we had something else that was an expression from inside-out; sexually celebratory without the traditional sexual submissiveness. There is the irritating sense that we have to choose to be for or against something that patriarchy ‘offers’ us but not create something new patriarchy cannot think of. [This is probably because each time something new is created patriarchy is quick to colonise it and use it against us, especially as sexxxay merchandising, so why give patriarchy a weapon right?]
Assuming that bejewelling the vulva is not intrinsically linked to oppressive patriarchal paradigms in itself, I’d think that in a female-centric non-patriarchal world Vajazzles would be very different if they came to exist. The same is true of Tattooing and other forms of body art.
Id imagine designs would be elaborate and creative, not carbon copy and not ‘tramp stamps’. They could portray female sexual/genital experience from within, rather than decorating those parts that men like to look at from outside and ignoring the entirity of what’s going on biologically in that area.
Perhaps they would depict on the belly a beautiful glittering womb and ovaries. Or describe in pattern and colour- like an intimate map- the experience of sexual arousal. Vajazzles could extend outside the tiny area designated ‘genital’ to include the belly, lower back, thighs, stomach, breasts etc. Each design is unique to the wearer, like a painted-on Orgasm.
Perhaps the practice would have evolved from a long tradition in which young women decorated the belly, genital and thigh area to celebrate their first menses, or ‘show their menses off’ each month. Or one where women are decorated/tattooed by mothers to show the unbroken female line of inheritance that stretches back to the earliest human ancestor. Vajazzling would be one small modern expression of a larger tradition in which the womb, ovaries and menses were given respect and cultural space: designs might give the effect of round bellied pregnancy rather than flat bellied virginity? They might celebrate pregnability as the ultimate human power [rather than pregnability as a weakness/otherness with fuckability as the ultimate goal]? Vajazzles could be about Womb-Pride.
In Germaine Greer’s The Whole Woman she makes a brilliant point in the chapter called ‘Womb’. Notice how the phallus is depicted everywhere- from childish graffiti on toilet doors, scribbled on schoolbooks and carved into desks, to latent symbols and metaphors of power in the highest art and literature. By comparison the womb and ovaries are depicted nowhere, we live in a wombless culture. There is no excuse in saying that the womb is internal, the heart is also internal and yet we refer to it constantly. The heart shows its presence by beating and the womb by shedding blood.
In a female centric culture there would be respect for women as owners/controllers of a special apparatus, the most crucial of all in fact. The womb and ovaries would culturally replace ‘sexy-external-appearance-of-the-vulva-and-breasts’ and ‘vagina-is-thing-for-the-penis-to-go-in’ as the principle definers of femaleness.
It makes it more clear what the Vajazzle symbolises, when you imagine the extreme alternative. In fact, an entire parallel universe has to be created around the premise that Vajazzles didn’t have to be oppressive-porno-culture-merchandising.
Paying £25 to have a baby-pink playboy bunny logo glued onto your hairless crotch by a tangerine woman in a salon is not empowerment.
So, porno-culture merchandisers [and associated celebrity puppets] can take their Swarovski crystals and glue them where the sun don’t shine. That’s right, Assjazzle yourself. I’d love to see you try and make Ass Crystals ™ a craze.
~Talking of imagining a parallel universe, here is a fantastic imaginative exercise by Laurie Penny, guaranteed to bend the gender in your own mind to its limit…